The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My typo game is string.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I wanna be friends with this person
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.