The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
He’s cranky this morning
