The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
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Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Old old old old old west
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My dating profile:
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF