The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
This seems like peak sibling energy
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]