The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
jesus christ confetti not now
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
A male goth is called a broth.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“