The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
You Might Also Like
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Confused owl: What?!
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.