The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.