Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

The two types of wives

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.