The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.