The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.