Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

I like long walks away from everyone

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?