Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”