The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’ve been drinking.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!