Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

💯😂

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love