The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
![]()
You Might Also Like
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
![]()
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
![]()
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
![]()
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
2022 be like
![]()
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
![]()
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???