The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Did my cat write this
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo