Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

😂😂

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.