The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.