Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.