The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I told my vodka about you.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby