The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
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Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
The human personality is made of five key elements
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
how DARE
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Cause of death: Zumba
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.