The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
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The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Love is in the air fryer.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.