The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
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WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
bears
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with