The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Great game to play with friends
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
As a doctor, I can confirm
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“It shall be called the Super Bowl and will be a huge national event played deep into the night on Sunday when everyone must go into work on Monday.”
“Why not play it on Saturday?”
“Nobody knows.”
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
