Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Unimpressed

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

fixed it

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

I have a new favorite meme page

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION