The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
You Might Also Like
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm