Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

sin harder.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run