Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.