Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

New Tinder profile.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

how to have an accident 101

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”