Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

SCARY COSTUME

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Me, in DM rooms…

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan