The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
gentlemen, hear me out
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too