The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Perfect
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I didn’t come here to be called names
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination