Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPLOOT

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

throat sock season is upon us.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

sailors wish they could swear like me

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out