The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.