Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway