Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Every BBC series about the universe.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.