The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Science memes
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum