@BBerrymore
@meladoodle
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
You Might Also Like
@meladoodle
@macchiatonumb
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
@daemonic3
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
@HeelyHanson
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
@3sunzzz
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
@joelu72
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
@WhiteVictimacy
Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies
@david8hughes
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
@TheDailySchmuck
I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
@AphroditeAfter5
I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume