A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’
Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume