The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Saturday
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*