The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Are you ok, human???
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle