The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
and this one
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
PARKOUR
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.