The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
They’re the worst 😩
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
you can only post this today
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison