The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
every olympics i turn into this guy
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR