Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps