Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No