The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
we’re gonna need another temp
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
That’s commitment
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are