Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*