The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe