The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Are we there yet?…
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
huge if true: the moon
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
how much does a mortician urn in a year
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Yeah. This was me today.
logging onto twitter…
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
