The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”