Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.