The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do