The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Intelligence is the new cleavage
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”