The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.