The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Lmaoo 😂
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Safety first
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*