@ericsshadow

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

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@13spencer

I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die ūüėČ

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

@MisfitMuse

So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@CastAwayKristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

@SirJeremyLondon

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.