Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday