The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

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I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.


A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die ūüėČ


my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope


[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.


So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.


Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*


From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.


“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.


I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.