Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

welcome back

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.