I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Heroic Misunderstanding
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development