The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*aggressively waits in line*
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …