Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great