@BigJDubz

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

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@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

@PlainTravis

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

@GuyBreakup

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

@MommaUnfiltered

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

@MissMalbec

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

@TheBoydP

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

@UncleDuke1969

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.