@BigJDubz

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

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@murrman5

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@TheCatWhisprer

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am

@ruinedpicnic

[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful

@TheBoydP

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

@Alex_N_Chains

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

@PinkCamoTO

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.