The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.


My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.


Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you


If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.


A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.


Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.


Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.


My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.


I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.