The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
*me flirting
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.