The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
New nose
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I miss this era type of pranks😭
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me