The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
You Might Also Like
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..