Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.