The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Bill is short for Billiam
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse