The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
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Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
