Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

There are usually two types of merchants.