Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”