Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

And now we wait

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?