the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
