the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
(Musicians.)
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Any refunds available?…
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Ovenable?
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
