the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.