the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
